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Musicians Jokes

Accordion

Q: What is the roof of positivism?
A. A accordeonist with a pager.

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a lawn mower?
A: If you put both on Home Shopping Network, you could sell the lawn mower.

Q: Who's the patron saint of accordionists?
A: Our Lady of Spain.

Q: What do you call 100 accordionists at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold maps.

Q: What do you call an accordion player with a beeper?
A: An optimist.

Q: If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
A: Who cares?

Q: What's a bassoon good for?
A: Kindling for an accordion fire.

Q: What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
A: Ladies in Pain

Bumper Stickers:
1. Play an accordian--go to jail!
2. Three rows and you're out!

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: Tossing an accordian into the toilet without hitting the rim.



Bagpipes

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Q: Did you know the Irish invented the bagpipes as a joke?
A: The Scotts haven't got it yet.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpiper and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."

Q. What's the difference between bagpipes and a chainsaw?
A. You can tune up a chainsaw.
A.If a neighbour lends you his chainsaw, he'll want it back.

Q.What's the difference between bagpipes and an onion?
A.Nobody cries when you cut up bagpipes.

A man walked into an office building after parking his car. When he gets on the elevator, he says "Oh no! I left my bagpipes in my car! Somebody might have stolen them!" Back to the car he runs, and, sure enough, when he gets there is back window is smashed out. But when he looks in the back seat, he finds four more sets of bagpipes.



Banjo

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's porsche.

Q: What's the best way to play a banjo?
A: With a hack saw.

Q: What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has greater dynamic range.

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."

Q:What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?
A:Drool



Bass

A little boy finally convinces his parents to get him a bass. After his first lesson his daddy asks how the lesson went. "Great, " says the little boy, "I learned all the notes in first position on the E string." For the next week he practiced E, F, F#, G, Ab. After the second week his daddy asks how the lesson went. "Great, " says the little boy, "I learned all the notes in first position on the A string." For the next week he practiced A, Bb, B, C, C#. After the third week his daddy asks how the lesson went. "I had to skip the lesson, man," he says, "I got a call about a gig."

Q: How do you tell if a bass player is actually dead?
A: Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

Q: If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A: The cab driver.

Q: How do you know when a bass player is at the door trying to get in?
A: He keeps fumbuling around truing to find the right key.

Q: Why did the bass guitar player get mad at the keyboard player?
A: The keyboardist turned a tuning key and wouldn't tell him which one.

Q: How does a bass player change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. The keyboard player does it with his left hand. Why does a bass player leave his strings on his dash board? So he can park in the handicap zone.

Q: How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

Q: Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
A: Even a virus has some pride

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Never mind. The piano player can do it with his left hand.

Q: What's the first thing a bass player says when he knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1...5...1, 1...4...5...5...1.

Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love, Wayne Gretzky and a female bass player?
A: Gretzky showers after three periods.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Q: What's the definition of a half-tone?
A: Two fretless bass players playing in unison.

Q: Why do bands have bass players?
A: To translate for the drummer.

Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
A: He had to break the window to get the drummer out!



Bass, Upright

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

Q: How do you make a double bass sound in-tune?
A: Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.

Q: Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house.
Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.
"Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time."



Brass

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it's the only thing they won't screw.

Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman

Q: Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
A: Friend: "I hope so."

Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.

Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?
A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.

Q: How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.

Q: Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
A: Because man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out of it.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

You know you're kissing a French horn player when his lips are in the right place but his hand is up your ass.

Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.

Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.

Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I played that last year."
A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

Q: What do you call a house occupied by five horn players?
A: A crack house.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.

Q: How do you put down a saxophone?
A: Call it a bassoon.

Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: The bassoon burns longer.

Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire. Q: What's the difference between a trombone player and walrus?
A: The walrus gets more chicks.

Q: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper?
A: An optimist

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombone player in the road?
A: The snake was going to a gig.
A: There's skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
A: Vibrato, though you can minimize the difference by holding the chain saw very still.
A: It's easier to improvise on a chain saw.

Q: How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

Q: How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
A: The doorbell drags.

Q: What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cell phone?
A: An optimist.

Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
A: "Year-At-A-Glance."

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: How can you tell which kid on the playground is the child of the trombonist?
A: He/She can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide.

Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
A: "Year-At-A-Glance."

It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

Q: What's the difference between a trombone player and a dead armadillo in the road?
A: The armadillo was on his way to a gig.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could've done it.

Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.

Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
A: Gorillas are too sensitive.

The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.

Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."

Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

Q:There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A:The policeman

Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.

Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.

Q: What's a "tuba for"?
A: 1 1/2" by 3 1/2", unless you request a "full cut."

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."

Two tuba players are walking past a bar... (Well, it could happen!) Q: How can you tell the trumpet player's kids at the playground? A: They're the ones who can't swing. Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other? A1: "Hi. I played that last year." A2: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."



Cello

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a cello?
A: A cello burns longer.

Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.

Q: Why did the cellist get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a tuning peg, and wouldn't tell which one.

Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
A: Write, "pp, espressivo."

Q: How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a violin.

Q: Why are intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.



Clarinet

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zone.

Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose.

Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own clarinet.

Q: How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

Q: What do you call a Bass Clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.



Drums & Percussion

Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the towns had gongs that would be rung each two hours: At 8am once, 10am twice, noon thrice, 2pm four times, etc. The lawyers of the day would stretch out the trials as much they could to make more money.

But the judges became extremely bored with the status quo and went to the emperor, getting a proclamation that all trials would have to be concluded at 2pm.

Thereafter all trials ended with a four-gong conclusion.

Q: Why did the drummer cross the road? **NEW** (Thanks to Scott for this one ;-)
A: To pick up dinner for the rest of the band!

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?
A: The drummer.

Q: If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
A: The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

Q: Het, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
A: Me either.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the light bulb and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

Q: Why did the drummer have a heart attack?
A: He met a guitarist who could count triplets.

Q: Why did the drummer have a heart attack?
A: Guitarist held a note for its proper value.

Q: Why did the drummer have a heart attack?
A: Guitarist said that he was satisfied with his instrument's tuning.

Q: How do you get 2 drummers to play in time together?
A: Shoot one of them

Q: What did the drummer say to the singer?
A: Do you want me to count this in too fast or too slow.

There was a terrible accident on highway 84 last week. Killed three musicians AND a drummer.

What was the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? "Hey, I wrote some lyrics last night."

Q: How can you tell if a drum-riser is level?
A: The drummer has drool running out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the drums but doesn't.

Q: Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in the parade.

Q: What does a drummer say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that, sir?

Q: How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
A: You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have machines to do that now.

Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
A: He had to break the window to get the drummer out!

Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"

A guy wanted to play bass in a band. The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed." So, the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!" The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A: The knock always slows down.

Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Q: Why do bands have bass players?
A: To translate for the drummer.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
A: None. They have a machine to do that.

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."

Alternatively...........
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

Q. How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummers car?
A. Take the Dominos' Pizza sign off the roof

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a bass player?
A: About half a beat.

Q: How do you know when a drummer's at the door?
A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: Why do bands have bass players?
A: To translate for the drummer.



Guitar

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.

Q: How do you make a guitar sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a CD player.

Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A: So they can park in the handicap spot.

Q: What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
A: His amp.

A guitar player walks into his rehearsal room to find his drummer and bass player fighting. He breaks the fight up and asks the bass player why they were fighting. The Bass player tells him that the drummer had de-tuned one of his bass strings. The singer says " That's no reason to fight", the bass player says "Yes it is, He won't tell me which string it was."

Q: What's do an electric guitar and a vaccuum have in common?
A: When you plug them in they both suck.

Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot One.

Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your front door?
A: By the Dominos Pizza hat.

Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
A: Put some music in front of him.

Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
A: The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: What do an electric guitar and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
A: Both suck when you plug them in.

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just steal somebody else's light.

Q: What did the guitarist do when he was told to turn on his amp?
A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Q: What's the best thing to play on guitar?
A: Solitaire.

Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source?
A: Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Q: What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to stop playing? A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

Q: What do you call two guitar players reading off the same chart? A: Counterpoint.

Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison? A: Shoot One.



Keyboard & Piano

Q: Why did they invent keyboards?
A: So musicians would have someplace to put their beers.

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

Q: Why are a pianist's fingers like lightning?
A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.

Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.

Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.

Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
A: It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.

Q: Why was the piano invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer. The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"

Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
A: He puts his Leslie on "slow". The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.



Reed/Wind

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutists playing in unison.

Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

Q: How many oboists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it.

Q: What's the definition of a "half step?"
A: Two oboes playing in unison.

Q: What's the definition of a "major second?"
A: Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

You might be a sax redneck if
...you have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard
...you think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck during a gig.
...the gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buesher sopranos
...you think that Boots Randolph is the greatest Jazz musician who ever lived

Q: What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
A: Vibrato.
A: The exhaust.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune sax player, an out-of-tune sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player. The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.

Q: You are in a room with Sadam Hussein, Adolf Hitler and Kenny G. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot Kenny G twice...just to make sure.

Q: What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune a lawn mower.
A: Your neighbor will get mad if you don't return their lawn mower.
A: Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.

The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

Two musicians are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo. That was my fife!"



Strings

There was a documentary on TV last night about a religious order who spend all their time playing stringed musical instruments. I've written to complain that there's too much sects and violins on TV these days.

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: What's the definition of a 1/4 tone?
A: A harpist tuning unison strings.

Harp players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: How long does a harp stay in tune?
A: About 20 minutes...or until someone opens a door.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

Q: Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
A: The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one note.

Q: How can one tell a violinist is playing with his head straight up?
A: When the drool is leaking out both corners of his mouth.

Q: How do you know when a violin is out-of-tune?
A: When the bow's moving.

Q: Why is a violin like a scud missle?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q: Why are violins smaller than violas?
A: They're actually the same size. Violinists' heads are bigger.

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A: A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high.

Q: Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instruments?
A: Violins don't have spit valves.

Q: Why should you never drive a roof nail with a violin?
A: You might bend the nail.

Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can understand them.

Q: How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

Q:What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A: A viola takes longer to burn.

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.

Q: How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato?
A: Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.

Q: What do violists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A: Nobody knows when to come in.

Q: If you throw a violist and a conductor off a tall building, who'll hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?

Q: Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
A: Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.

Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A: No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Definition of a string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, a would-be violinist and someone who hates the violin getting together to complain about composers.

Q: What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A: A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.

A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.

Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."

After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"